It was six weeks ago that I got a call: words so simple, so life-altering. We’d like to have you come back in, the doctors want to take another look, we can schedule an ultrasound for this afternoon if you can make it in, and perhaps a biopsy, if need be. Needless to say, they were the kind of words that travel in though your ears and land with a thud at the pit of your stomach, the kind that rattle around in your head at 3:00 in the morning. Truth is, you can’t know how you’ll react to words like those until you hear them spoken to you, and even then, they leave you not knowing how to react. Hmm, invasive ductile carcinoma, time to fold the laundry? That notion made as much sense as anything else I could do in the face of such news.
But here’s the thing: from that first day forward, at every step along the way, the scary words were continuously accompanied by a recurring chorus of hopeful words: We’ve caught it early. We caught it teeny-tiny. This could be SO much worse.
So, yes, in In the middle of all the dark news, here’s what I know for sure: I am SO lucky. I really, truly am, on so many fronts. This is a bump in the road. It will soon be in the rear-view mirror. But for now, my job is to navigate my way from here to there.
As I continue to heal from the lumpectomy and sentinel node biopsy, I’m facing decisions around what my treatment will be, decisions that are evolving from the imperfect information gleaned from those procedures. The good news is that I am not alone in this process, not by a long shot. Together with my medical team, an astounding group of women who delved so much deeper into the natural sciences than I can even begin to comprehend, I am getting a handle (if not a PhD) on what my options are, going forward, and what I can expect to encounter down the road.
So, here we are. I’m jumping into the blogosphere to provide you, my extraordinary friends and family, with a place to peek in on what’s up with me these days. I’m not naming names–not mine, not my docs, not my locale–call me crazy, but I’m doing this for you, my loved ones, and not to create more google hits for myself. This is just me, talking to you guys, for whenever you’ve got time to check in. OnDemand listening in, sort of.
Confession: I’ll be doing this for myself as well as for all of you. Because what I know most assuredly about myself is this: when things get complicated, I need to write about the confusing concepts in my head, to figure out how I actually feel about them. I’ll write to muddle through what’s coming, what’s happening, and I’ll wake up in the morning and know what I know.
So, thank you in advance for being on the listening end of my little story. I’m looking forward to keeping you all posted.